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!!Warning!! Long post- but interesting

As I said in my previous post, confessionalism deals with very personal matters; sometimes things connected to depression or old childhood issues you had with your parents. I also said that I had never really been fond of the genre; neither for reading nor writing- and that still stands!

Nonetheless, when I tried it out I wrote a fantastic poem (and now I practice quite often as a play with words and to improve my writing generally), which I actually can’t post here.
I read it in class and handed it in to my tutor for an assignment, but I have never shown it to the person concerned and it is simply too strong to put somewhere this public without doing so.

This is by the way quite a discussion amongst the writers in the genre:
What comes first- the feelings of the people displayed in your poetry or the art?
Should you put everything out there no matter of who your hurt in your pursuit of the art of poetry or… keep some moral and respect those people’s integrity?
I chose the moral.

However, I still want to show you a couple of poems and, more importantly, what I have done when writing them. You see, poetry is not, in my opinion, an unconscious stream of thought which you put down on paper while being in a trance state. No, poetry is condensed and full of meaning, every sound is thought out, and it has to be that way because it needs to convey so much in such a small amount of words.
I might have to return to that discussion later on…

When I made the draft for this poem I was still very heavily affected by a break-up where I got quite hurt.
Yes, this was written months later, but the reason the connection is there is because after that break-up I completely shut down emotionally and for months I was just very even-tempered (I didn’t write at all during that time! That just goes to show…).
It might sound a bit silly to be so affected by it when being this age, but as for so many creative people, as mentioned before, all my feelings, high and low, are very very intense and I couldn’t deal with that at the time so I stopped all of them. Then all of a sudden I met a guy who I denied feeling anything whatsoever with regards to for months. I panicked when I realised what was happening; when I realised I felt. So, I started to write this poem, or well the draft of it which were just lose unconnected lines.
Now, half a year later, I used that draft and idea for a confessional poem, as I am once again in a situation where I don’t want to feel.
And for those who might be curious; I still see the guy and I love him.

The poem is based on the idea of Sleeping Beauty, but I renamed it. It’s important to have good titles for poems- and I am so bad with naming them. Seventy percent of the poems I have written are still nameless, but since I wanted to show this one I had to think up a name which had some relevance to the poem too…
The title of a poem should hold a meaning of its own with regards to the poem, something that complements the verses.
I chose Talia because that name means ‘dew from God’ in Hebrew, and I think that reflects nicely back upon the concept of Sleeping Beauty and also to the very strong feelings in the poem- not matter how painful it might be love is still something fantastic to feel.
(I found the name on Behind The Name, another favourite site of mine)

To an extent throughout the poem I am employing a very lose rhyme scheme, sometimes full on rhymes, sometimes rhymes on the same line, or half rhymes or ‘almost rhymes’ as I have named them in my head, et cetera.

Here is the poem. After each verse I will write what I wanted. You have to copy and paste on your own into a document if you only want to read the poem through and through without my comments.

Talia

Sleeping, asleep for so long,
hidden in thorns,
just breathing, dreaming,
waiting for eternities and longer
hoping, wishing,
perhaps for you.

In the first verse I wanted to have a sleepy feeling. Sleep is slow and deep; you move slowly (usually) and healthy sleep is calm. Therefore I wanted to use words which can be connected to this, almost lika slow breaths, with long vowel sounds.

Protected, lack of light,
coldness, chilled marble skin,
no starbeams bright
or air comes in;
a tomb where sounds are muted,
senses numb.

In the second verse I wanted to use words which somehow make the reader think of that dusky environment and the cold. I am not using any words like ‘and’ and ‘but’ because I want it to be bitty and stiff. I also wanted something that reminds of a snake in the winter, slow and dozy. I haven’t succeeded as well as I want, I still want to make changes especially to the first and second line. They don’t work as well as they could.

Then! What is that!
a flicker of life,
a movement of change!
Who is there?
Who cut the thorns?
The knife which sliced must be so sharp and deadly
to cut something so hard and heavy;
it lets in the wind
and my skin starts longing to be touched.

Here I wanted the oposite to the last verse. I wanted the same stiffness to begin with, but I wanted energy and curiosity, so I even used exclamation marks. When you write poetry it’s important to try to move away from the clichés- here at first I wanted to use ‘a flicker of light‘ but I had already used the word ‘light’ in the previous verse, and also that phrase is so often used. However, ‘a flicker of life’ is more unique and it has a great thing: ‘life’ sounds almost like ‘light’ so I still get the same sounds and the reader almost starts to think of light before the line is completely read, so I get two stones with one bird (as they say here in the UK).
As the verse goes on the lines grow a bit longer to show there is more life in Talia now, she’s not so numb any longer. I am sure you can all see the metaphor of cutting thorns being a way to reach her (my) feelings.

The dream intensifies
images are coming faster
unafraid, without hesitation,
without a thought about disaster
they come and assult my mind with glints of you
and things I had thought best hidden and forgotten…

Again, I try to speed things up, I want restlessness and desperation and I use words which connect to that like ‘disaster’ and words connecting to fear and attacks. Still I wanted the longing of something which had once been there and then been lost, which is why the last line is still inviting for something more. It is both scary and intriguing.

Then you are here.
Your heartbeat fills the space.
You lift me up.
You hold me tight and stroke my hair.
I want to withdraw
but then your relentless fingers
and the total faith in being owned by you
overwhelms me.
Your tongue is in my mouth
and it is if I get a blackout.
My thighs quiver,
I want to be
closer closer closer
to you
and when I am enclosed in your arms, with you inside me,
I would die.

This is about as far as I go to shock. I don’t put people out there on the line, telling the world about the terrible things they might have done, but I do love to use language like this. Sometimes I think to myself it is disturbed and I barely dare to write it down but then I think ‘Why not?’
Because, I tell you, the society has put a taboo on it. What is actually wrong with feeling the things portrayed in that verse? I can bet much money that almost every woman secretely, or openly like me, enjoys to feel owned now and then by her man, for example.
I wanted to get the passion and to really describe how it feels sometimes to be with someone because even if you love them and it, you do want to die from it. The only way to describe it is to drop all the inhibitions and dare to write it down. It’s nothing wrong with writing it down- some things that you write down you actually never have to show to anyone, surprise! But by writing it down you get new experiences.
I repeated ‘closer’ three times because it will be echoed with ‘echoes’ in the last verse and I thought that was a good thing.

Yes… I tingle from your fingertips,
now only a breath away from my lips,
when you rip through the thorns I rejoice
and my bloodstream
echoes echoes echoes
your name…
Will you wake me up?

Throughout the poem the intensity is building up and so I thought it was a good thing to bring it down to a calmer level at the end of it which is what I did in this verse. I really like this verse actually, I’m not that fond of the poem in itself but this verse I like; mostly because of the repeating of the word ‘echoes’. At first I only had it written once but then I thought that I would even further make the impression of an echo if the word itself is repeated. It was after that thought that I repeated ‘closer’ in the previous verse.
From having been afraid to feel the person in the poem (me) is now happy it happened which is why I used the word ‘rejoice’ about the thorns being cut through. A bloodstream that echoes is a pulse.

I am not sure this poem is finished but I have had quite a lot of fun with it and I hope I have put something across.

When you describe something use words that not only represent the description but sound like it- as I did in the first verse.

If something is to be stiff, use short words.

Higher pace needs more flowing words that almost blend into each other.

Let go of inhibitions! It is when you do that that the real writing begins. You don’t have to show everything you write to other people so you can write whatever you like, and should do so because that is how you grow in your writing. That is why I dare to write about sex, death and violence- which I do in my fantasy novel now and then.

Now, get on and try this genre out!
A good tip is actually to think of something a bit touchy and write about it. You might be as amazed about the results you get from it as I was regarding my own poetry.

I realised this morning that I have talked quite a lot about confessionalism this far, and so I decided to explain a little more about what it is.
I will give you some links on confessionalism and some writers in this genre, and I will also show a poem I have just written which is confessional and explain what I have tried to do in it.

This post might be a bit longer than the others this far… but I will try to make it easy to read and break it up into paragraphs.

Confessionalism is a style of poetry which, simply put, emerged in America in the 1950s and 1960s and it mainly deals with personal experiences, and writers associated with this genre are for example Anne Sexton and Sylvia Plath.
Sometimes it can be very personal indeed to a level which is almost uncomfortable. Usually it brings up things about the writer who wrote it which aren’t that admirable, but it can be things that are a little bit ugly or disturbing. It can be a way to go through personal therapy, to recover from depression for example, which means a lot of the poems in this genre are sometimes almost too personal and you cringe a little when you read them.

Here are a couple of links regarding the genre:
Wikipedia on Confessionalism (I don’t care what you say- Wikipedia is wonderful)
Another link about Confessionalism

I never used to be interested at all in this style of poetry because I found it to be merely complaining and fake-depressions and I am not sure I like it even now, but I still find it interesting.
What made me even trying it out was because I had a seminar in my Creative Writing class with a writer called Clare Pollard. She introduced me to this, but after the seminar I was still not very interested.
The thing was that during that seminar she read some poems, one of them was The Ballad of the Lonely Masturbator by Anne Sexton. I didn’t like it when I heard it but I couldn’t stop thinking about it! I wanted to write something that evoked the same thing as that poem, and decided I wanted the same sort of repetitive line in my poem.
I ended up writing one of the best poems I have ever written (but I don’t want to put it up here because it is still a bit too personal, although I have handed it in for an assignment just before Christmas!).

It’s important to try out new things even if sometimes you don’t think that you like it, but the results can really surprise. I used to write old style poetry with fixed stress patterns and they always rhymed, and now all of a sudden I am playing with this new confessionalism. I really enjoy it!
I will post my poem in a second post otherwise this will be such a long one.

I was dreaming last night and usually I don’t remember my dreams at all, but from last night I have some quite vivid images left in my head.

The reason I bring this up is because dreams are sometimes used in literature, and you as a writer can make good use of this if you make your characters dream in a novel or short story to put across messages to the reader. You can also use dream like images i poetry, to connect to the unconscious mind of the reader. Dreams are our unconscious’ way to filter experiences and sometimes get our attention when things are wrong, which is why we can sometimes use dreams as a medium in writing to bring the story forward. Personally I am not too fond of this actually, but that doesn’t mean it’s not useful. I’m not fond of it simply because I find surrealism disgusting and revolting (which is said to be based upon dreams).

Symbolism is another useful thing which is similar to dream imagery which you can also use. I recently invested in a book about symbols which I have just used as a reference in one of my essays as a matter of fact.

So where do I want to go with this?
Well, I mean that when you are writing you can work backwards to use symbols or dream imagery to evoke something in the reader the same way a long explanation would do, only quicker and perhaps in a more life-like way. Of course you cannot use a very far fetched example like:

Macaroni:
To dream that you are eating macaroni, denotes small losses. To see macaroni in large quantities, signifies that need for you to be frugal, economize and save money.

To use that when the character is worried about economy is a little far fetched to evoke something in particular with the reader, and would never suit a fantasy story for example.

However, if you want to explain just how lost or scared a character is you can use a dream symbol, or if you want to express something in a poem without spelling it out, you can use the same tactic.

For me last night, I dreamt about taking care of a panther which later turned into an elephant (but I knew it was still a panther, the way you do in dreams)

According to Dreammoods this is what they stand for:

Panther
To see a panther in your dream, signifies lurking danger and enemies working to do you harm. It represents darkness, death and rebirth. On a more positive note, panthers signify power, beauty and/or grace.

Elephant
To see an elephant in your dream, indicartes that you need to be more patient or more understanding of others. Or perhaps there is a memory that you are holding on to for too long. You need to let go of the past. The elephant is also a symbol of power, strength, faithfulness and intellect. Alternatively, the elephant’s introverted personality may be a reflection of your own personality.

To dream that you are riding an elephant, indicates that you are in control of your unconscious and aspects that you once were afraid of.

To dream that you are afraid of the elephant suggests that there is an enormous problem that you are afraid to confront.

Who knows? It is an interesting site in any case, and I do recommend having a look. It is when you are reading things like that that the ideas are flowing.

I have been distracted. Things happened which I didn’t foresee.
He might have to stay in Sweden, but I have to go back to England.
Painful is an understatement, but he tells me not to be sad. Perhaps I should believe him.

This is one of the problems with being the writer type, or any creative person really; the feelings are all very very strong, always. The happiness is dazzling and fantastic and almost tangible, but then again, the sadness is pitch black and mental pain is so strong it is actually physical. It is maybe necessary to be able to write the way we do. To put a feeling across to the reader it has to be magnified on the page, to invoke an inkling of it in the reader. I don’t know. All I know is that intense feelings like these are common amongst creative people and that those same feelings sometimes scare other people.
And I have been distracted by them, to the point where I was stupefied, but now I am beginning to recover. There is confessional poetry growing and he is telling me not to be sad, so perhaps I should believe him.

Sometimes I find my inspiration stand still, and I’m sure other writers experience the same thing from time to time. At such moments it can help to look at some stuff to make your creative juices flow again!
Here are some links I like, which are useful and fun too I suppose.
Enjoy!

Writer’s Helper

Nanowrimo

Writing Tips

Short Stories

Please be patient with me. It looks horrible now, but I’m playing with the design. Give me some time. But first I have to walk the dog, and bake some cakes. Jeez, never a quiet moment. Just the way I like it.

Today’s writing has been different. I know I am supposed to write on my book each day but today I really couldn’t. I have been feeling down and drained, because of emotional stress and because I had to write a bloody essay- which is where I spent today’s source of words. It’s an academical piece, obviously, about mythology.
I am however writing a poem at the moment, to relax and get rid of some of that emotional stress. It’s a confessional poem; a genre I didn’t like until very recently when I had a seminar with Clare Pollard at my university.
Sometimes you can teach an old dog to sit.

As a writer you need to have a big vocabulary, or at least a really good synonym lexcion. Well really, a good lexicon, like the Oxford one, can be essential. It is embarassing to use words you are not completely sure of just to realise it is the wrong type of word in that sentence. You will feel like a little school kid again.
One way to increase your vocabulary is to sign up for a ‘A Word a Day’ to your email. Then every day you will have a new word sent to your inbox and your vocabulary will increase slowly but surely. I have had them sent to me for more than a year and I love it.
At Wordsmith you can sign up for the ‘A Word a Day’ and also do some other things.

Jeez.
Yesterday, just when I have started a blog, I was suddenly assualted my doubts.
I was writing a few pages and then decided to do a new outline of my plot. As I did so I just felt; ‘Oh my God this is so crap.’
The last lines on my page are ‘This plot sucks. Fuck. Die.’ and that really says it all doesn’t it?
The thing is… these doubts are normal and all writers have them from time to time. It’s true. One starts to compare oneself with all the other already published writers and think one will never be able to even come close to them. The trick is not to give up. I knew I would feel better about it later, and yes today I do. I have read through some of the stuff I have already written on my book and well some of it does suck but some of it is really good. The sucky bits I can improve later and the good bits I can keep or improve too. I know it will be good in the end as long as I keep going.

It’s okay to doubt yourself and your writing. It’s part of the process. Just don’t let it overcome you.

Why a Writer?

One time last year I was in class and we begun to discuss displacement- basically; you are about to write a poem but suddenly feel you really need to clean out the cutlery drawer. We talked about each person’s individual displacement (I tend to cook or do the washing-up), and why we do it. The reason as we saw it was because we don’t like writing.
In fact, it’s quite a pain in the backside.
It’s frustrating.
So why do we write?
Because we can’t stop. It’s in our blood. We have to do it. If we don’t, we’re not whole.

Some of my old friends from childhood have a hard time with my chosen path in life, for very odd reasons I think. One of the main ones is:
    ’It’s so unfair! Your profession is fun!’
Fun?!
It’s not fun. Having a new idea is fun, it’s lovely; it’s an adrenaline kick. Suddenly, in your mind, you are creating a wonderful, new world and you populate it with interesting people with depth and their adventures… Oh yes, that is fun.
But then the un-fun (yes I made that word up) begins.
Because, here is the thing:
If I write a book, it has to be around 100 000 words, at the very least really. That is a lot of words. The idea is fun- writing all of those words is not. No, it’s a pain in the arse, excuse my language. It’s time consuming, difficult, and it requires a lot of discipline. Many times a week I just want to burn the bloody pages and feed the pen to my dog, because I really hate the work process.
And you know what?
That’s okay.
I’m allowed to say I hate it sometimes even though it’s what I have chosen to do, because at the same time I love it so much. The feeling when I create something on the page is thrilling.

People become writers because they have something which has to come out. If you can’t resist the urge of using that pen then you know it’s the way for you.

When Shall I Write?

Again, some people who don’t write and people who do alike, have some very odd ideas on when to write. A couple of weeks ago I sat down one morning around ten o’clock to write and the guy I’m seeing asked what I was doing.
    ’Writing,’ I said.
    ’On what?’
    ’My book.’
    ’What? You can’t do that now! You have to write night time!’
    ’Why?’
    ’To get the feeling!’
That is such a stupid idea I couldn’t help but laugh. The weird thing is that it is quite common, even among writers. I can agree that you write better certain times of day, but the romantic idea that you can only write night time, possibly with a cup of tea or a glass of wine, is really very silly.
The other thing I find quite interesting is the ‘you should write when you have inspiration.’
Imagine you are building a house, and then you only build when you have inspiration. That’s going to take a while before you have a roof over your head. I think I made my point.

The writing needs to be done every day if you can, even when you don’t feel like it. It is when you treat it as any other job, with discipline, that you get results.